The Empathy Our World Needs Right Now-And How to Develop It
It’s October of 2020. The presidential election is approaching. We’ve lived through months of discouragement and division. We’ve seen how the events of this year have spurred arguments on top of arguments about coronavirus, Black Lives Matter, police reformations, climate change, natural disasters, abortion, Trump vs. Biden, and more. Debating the issues at hand is important as we work toward solutions. But there’s a key aspect of effective debate and problem-solving that’s largely missing right now. And that is empathy.
What is empathy? Let’s start by defining it’s slightly shallower cousin, sympathy. Sympathy is trying to predict how you might react if you were in another person’s circumstances. Imagining what you would feel in that situation is a great start. But to take it a step up to develop empathy, you must think outside yourself, and think of what the other person might be feeling-their experiences (which you, admittedly, probably know little about), their thought processes, and their preferences. You’re not just giving them a hug and drying their tears, you’re listening, feeling, and crying with them.
This is not to make assumptions about the other person, but to try your best with what you know and to try to learn more. As you intentionally seek out and gather this information about the person or group of people, you understand a fuller picture of their unique experience, and you can start to imagine those feelings (their feelings) yourself. It’s critical, though, that you gather this information, because trying to see someone else’s situation through your own perspective will cloud the view.
Empathy is also about loving people for who they are, right in this moment, rather than for who you wish them to be someday. Even if you and another individual (such as a spouse or other family member) are in the exact same circumstance, you need empathy to see just how differently the two of you may internalize that experience.
In many ways, empathy comes naturally to us. Our strong attachment needs as infants and toddlers help prime us for empathy. But it’s also something that needs constant work to cultivate it further and improve your ability to empathize with others.
So, how is empathy cultivated? These 10 tips are a great place to start.
Talk to a variety of people
To practice and build your empathy, talk to people, especially those you might not normally talk to. Chat with people at the store, on the bus, at work, or on social media who look, think, act, and live very differently from you. Learn their stories. Notice their body language cues and the emotions behind them (including tone of voice and energy).
Approach this with a sense of curiosity and genuine interest about strangers. Yes, you need to be smart and safe-there’s a reason for our “stranger danger” instincts. But don’t let them keep you from being kind and meeting new people.
A friend of mine once told me a story about a time she was entering the hot tub at the gym. She saw a man sitting there with an amputated leg and no company. She joined him, small-talked a bit, and then asked with sincere interest what had happened to his leg. Instead of being embarrassed or offended, he heaved a sigh of relief and said, “Thank you so much for asking.” He then went on to explain that people are always afraid to talk about it and even pretend not to notice. He said he feels much more comfortable when people are just open to hear his story.
Sometimes, people just want to talk. They may not even care that you just barely met, they just need someone to talk with. When you can, find a way to be that person.
Listen
Listening actively is crucial. Stop yourself from thinking about what you will say-which is also reflecting on your own emotions about what they’re saying. Instead, listen actively by giving your full attention to the other person’s words and the emotion behind them.
If someone points out that something you said or did hurt or offend them, listen. Avoid reacting with sarcasm, blame, or shifting the conversation to you. Listen carefully, apologize, and learn of their experience or others with similar experiences. Be respectful and open to changing your mind. It’s okay and actually healthy to change your opinion when you come across new information.
Thinking about this has caused me to wonder if our current situation-social distancing, covering half our faces, and avoiding people whenever possible-has caused a decrease in the ability to empathize. We don’t really have as many of those opportunities to meet new people. Nor can we get the full communication without fully visible facial expressions. And with many of our conversations happening online, we don’t get any body language or voice tone to complete the story. We are missing some critical aspects of communication that help foster a spirit of empathy. Obviously, I have no scientific studies on this, it is simply a hypothesis. But something to think about. (I also support following COVID-19 precautions).
Pause and think before you speak
This tactic can be extremely helpful to de-escalate a tense situation with another person. If a person you love seems agitated, before snapping at them, pause and consider what could be causing their mood. Perhaps their work day was extremely stressful, or they nearly got in an accident on their commute home. Or maybe they simply read or heard something that bothered them. Tastefully ask this person what is upsetting them, and if there’s something you can do to help.
Thinking on the other person’s feelings and considering their situation will help you approach them in a manner that can help open them up and even calm them down. If you need to calm your own emotions first, take a break from the discussion, breathe, and process your thoughts. As you strive to reach a resolution together, remember that sometimes it’s okay to still disagree in the end. You don’t have to totally agree to empathize with someone. But it helps you see their point of view and at least validate and respect their opinion. Your interaction will be much more peaceful and understanding and you try to empathize this way.
Give and take
Learning so much about others also helps you to learn more about yourself. Be willing to be vulnerable and share your own emotions within a relationship, too. This helps others know you’re open to discussing these things.
This is something that needs to be done in a sensitive and tactful way. Usually, when you’re in the thick of discussing another’s problems or concerns, that’s not the best time to bring up your own feelings and experiences. There may be an exception to this if they are looking for advice (if you’re not sure, you can always ask, “Would you like advice, or do you need me to just listen to you right now?”) Otherwise, in that moment, just be there for them in their current needs.
Challenge stereotypes and prejudices
We’re all guilty of bias. It’s often unconscious, but our brains naturally try to box people up into categories for efficiency. It may be efficient, but it’s not very empathetic. Get to know people. Find what makes them unique from their stereotypes. Find commonalities between yourself and others. Drawing these connections will help you understand other people and their perspective (even those that are quite different from your own).
You may have privileges that inhibit you from fully understanding another’s life experience. You may have never known what it’s like to be discriminated against because of your race, gender, beliefs, disability, age, or sexual orientation. Recognize that these are things you will probably never completely understand. But empathy is the journey of making the effort, so that you can show compassion, communicate effectively, take action, and help solve these problems.
Read
Malorie Blackman said, “Reading is an exercise in empathy; an exercise in walking in someone else’s shoes for a while.” Reading books, articles, or even social media posts is a great way to open your mind to other experiences. You’re stepping into someone else’s life for a minute, and that helps you practice empathy. Be sure to choose diverse authors, characters, and topics as you draw up your reading list, to keep you interested, educated, and challenged.
Learn by experience
Get out of your comfort zone and seek out new, unique experiences. Try this tip of challenging yourself by learning new skills or hobbies. Mustering the courage to learn something new puts you in a state of humility-the perfect place to start to expand the attribute of empathy.
Another way to get new experience is to visit new places or immerse yourself in a different environment. Traveling provides an incredible opportunity to learn about new cultures and varying perspectives, thus increasing your empathetic ability.
One interesting story gives a great example of how experience begets empathy: Around 20 years before he authored the famed books Animal Farm and Nineteen Eighty-four, George Orwell wanted to learn what it was like to be on the margins of society in Britain. He dressed in ragged clothes and lived among the homeless in London. He not only learned that not all beggars are drunkards, but he also gained friends, shifted beliefs on inequality, and learned just how important empathy truly is to individuals and society as a whole.
Do something about it
So you’ve learned to put yourself in someone’s else’s shoes and feel their pain. And that’s an incredible skill. But we can’t just stop there, or it won’t do us much good. Find out what you can DO to help the individual or group of people suffering that pain. Let that empathy motivate you to action. And let the fact that you are not actually suffering the pain give you an advantage to be in a position to help. Follow through on those feelings of empathy.
And in this case, don’t get hung up on the Golden Rule. George Bernard Shaw said, “Do not do unto others as you would have them do unto you-they might have different tastes.” So find out what those different preferences are, and serve others in a way that will mean something to them.
Taking action can mean making donations to organizations, writing a kind note to a friend, or helping them around the house. It also means standing up for others if they’re being bullied or discriminated against. The great thing about service is that even if you’re not yet a pro at empathy, the very act of serving someone can help develop that quality within yourself.
Teach your kids
Another important action that empathy requires is teaching others-especially children. Expose them to a variety of books and movies, and get them thinking about what the characters might be feeling throughout the story.
Help children identify the different emotions they go through. Name them, and be a model for how to manage them. Instead of demanding your child eek out an insincere “sorry,” have them consider “How do you think that made her feel? Is there something you could do to help her feel better?”
Parents tend to think it’s best to teach children diversity simply by immersing them in a diverse community and then not addressing it-because it seems as though the environment would speak for itself. But research actually shows that not talking about prejudices can actually reinforce them. When something becomes a taboo topic, children may become afraid to ask essential questions. Be open to have those clear conversations with your child about different races, genders, ability levels, body types, financial circumstances, beliefs, and family structures. Teach them to challenge biases, and to befriend all kinds of kids, including the ones they may be initially hesitant to approach.
Much of our country and our world are forgetting this essential skill of empathy. Yet it is a bond that holds us humans together. We’re brothers and sisters in this episode we call life. We need each other, and we need to try to understand one another. Let’s stop tearing people down, and choose to lift up, instead.
Originally published at https://parkwriters.com on October 23, 2020.